Conan the Destroyer
Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Writers: Robert E. Howard (characters), Roy Thomas (story), Gerry Conway (story), Stanley Mann (screenplay)
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Mako, Tracey Walter, Sarah Douglas, Olivia D'Abo, Pat Roach,
Synopsis:
Conan (Schwarzenegger) and his companion Malak (Walters) are recruited by Queen Taramis (Douglas) to escort her niece Jenna (D'Abo) to an island castle, where she must acquire a magical key. The key opens a vault containing a magical horn prophesied to bring back to life the ancient god Dagoth. Along with the Queen's captain of the guards, Bombaata (Chamberlain), the wizard Akiro (Mako) and the savage Zula (Jones), Conan and company must contend with cannibals, fanatics, monsters and betrayal from within to ensure the safe return of Jenna and the horn.
First Impressions:
I actually saw this film before I saw the first movie and right around the same time. I caught Conan the Destroyer on late TV one summer during my teen years. As a nerdy kid who was a big fan of Dungeons & Dragons and other role-playing games, this film appealed to me greatly. This is mostly because the entire movie is very similar to how a D&D adventure would be. As a result, I actually enjoyed this movie more than I did the original one. I've owned both films on a few different media formats, but it's been a while since I saw this one. Hopefully, like the first installment, I'll be pleasantly surprised with how well it holds up.
Story/Direction:
"Now, let me tell you of the days of high adventure."
Okay, well, the story in this film is...not very good. I can see why it appealed to me as a teenager because I was really only interested in action, violence and a bit of cleavage. Upon my most recent viewing, however, I found myself cringing more often than not. I think there could be the bones of a good story somewhere in this film, but unfortunately, the filmmakers lacked the foresight to see it.
Instead of doubling down on the gritty and violent world created in the first film that was so akin to Robert E. Howard's vision, the filmmakers opted to make it more family-friendly and throw in a lot more comedy. Now, I'm not against adding some levity to a film, especially if it's a film with dark subject matter. A little comedy, skillfully done, can work well. However, in Conan the Destroyer, it almost seems like the writers just threw all manner of infantile jokes into the script to appeal to more kids? I honestly don't know, but it's a major misstep, in my opinion. Conan is NOT supposed to be family viewing. It's supposed to be a tale of a violent, bloody and hedonistic character and the adventures he finds himself in.
Like I said earlier, there's the potential for a good story here. At its core, the quest to find an ancient magical treasure is a well-used one from fantasy literature and, for the most part, it works. Had this film involved more plot points related to the actual task at hand, then it may have turned out better. Instead, the story meandered from one place to another and tried to fill the gaps in between action with inane conversations, mostly surrounding Jenna's unrequited attraction to Conan or Malak's ill-conceived attempts to woo Zula. It's all just one giant missed opportunity.
Acting:
If the story in this film was bad, the acting isn't much better. Or worse, yeah, it's actually worse, I think. Schwarzenegger reprises the role of the titular Cimmerian, but he's different in this film. The Conan portrayed in the first film was a determined, powerful man blessed with a great deal of resilience, a very compelling character. In this film, Conan is portrayed as a drunken jackass, whose so concerned about resurrecting his dead girlfriend that he's too stupid to notice that, if successful, his quest could result in the end of the world. The Conan Howard wrote about was strong and incredibly intelligent; that's what set him apart from his more savage kin. Alas, this is not the case here.
Former basketball great Wilt Chamberlain stars as Taramis' right-hand man Bombaata and the film could have likely found a piece of plywood with batter range than the all-star center. I guess they were looking for an antagonist that could rival Arnold size-wise. While no one disputes his prowess on the basketball court, I don't think anyone would accuse the NBA Hall of Famer of being a skilled actor.
There are some talented actors in this movie. Sarah Douglas usually is a solid villain, and Tracey Walters is a great character actor, but they weren't given much in the script and seemed like they were mailing it in for the most part. I do have to say that Grace Jones, even though she scares the shit out of me, did a decent job as the savage, Zula. In fact, she's probably one of the only heroes in the film that I would trust to pick up my mail, let alone to embark on a dangerous mission.
Visual/Special Effects:
The special effects in this film are, in a word, bad. They're bad even for 1984. They're even worse than the first film, which was made two years earlier. While the first film made use of many practical sets and on-location shooting, this film makes heavy use of matte paintings and blue screen. It's the use of blue screen that really irks me. There's a scene where the group must board a boat to cross a mountain lake. Now, it wouldn't have been that hard or expensive to get a shot (just one shot, that's all it was) of the companions rowing across the lake. Instead, they chose to use blue screen. It was unnecessary and just looked crummy. The makeup and creature effects were a little better but still well below what other films of that era were doing.
Score/Soundtrack:
If there's a bright spot to this film, it's the music. The score was once again composed by Basil Poledouris, and it's just about as good as his work in the previous film. Conan's theme remains a rousing and energetic piece of music that fits perfectly into the world he inhabits, and the rest of the music meshes perfectly with such a savage world. It's just a shame that the movie wasn't a better compliment to the excellent score.
Action:
Alright, so the action wasn't too bad either. There are several decent fight scenes where we get to see Conan's prowess with the sword in full view. Unfortunately, these action scenes have been sanitized for a PG rating, which takes away much of the allure. The film also includes a coupe tense chase and escape scenes, and the final battle is not too bad. Again, it's a shame the plot surrounding these scenes wasn't better.
Final Verdict:
It's safe to say that I'm not the same person I was 30 years ago, and my fondness for this movie has certainly taken a hit after this most recent viewing. There's still some nostalgia here that I can't overcome, but overall, this is not a good movie. Only die-hard Schwarzenegger fans and Sword & Sorcery enthusiasts need to apply. Oh, and maybe those of you who are part of the "So Bad, It's Good" crowd may enjoy it on an ironic level.
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